A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly
My feeling is, if you're going to be called a celebrity, you might as well use it for some good. It's better to testify for school lunches in front of Congress than get drunk in a bar somewhere and misbehave.
Make my breast transparent as pure crystal, that the world, jealous of me, may see the foulest thought my heart does hold.
It is better to have a relationship with someone who cheats on you than with someone who does not flush the toilet.
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
Unlike a drop of water which loses its identity when it joins the ocean, man does not lose his being in the society in which he lives. Man's life is independent.
Everybody gets too drunk sometimes; and even if everybody didn't, I have gotten too drunk sometimes. I haven't hurt anybody. In Ireland we drink a lot. It's part of our culture. I like drinking. I don't think it's a bad thing.
